


Safe

by Morethancupcake



Series: Tea and vetyver [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, Domestic Violence, First Kiss, First Meetings, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Homophobic Language, I pretty much spoiled it :), M/M, Misunderstandings, Outing, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Recovery, Therapy, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, YouTube, YouTuber Castiel, a hint of non-con, you can check the comments on chapter one if you're afraid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-27
Updated: 2015-10-27
Packaged: 2018-04-28 12:21:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5090570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is a retired police officer who spent months in therapy, and is now leaving in his baby brother's house.<br/>Castiel is a shy artist who creates web content on youtube, likes his little cottage and the silence.</p><p>Dean isn't ready to go out, and date, and do all of these things he did a lifetime ago. Castiel doesn't mind.<br/>Boy meets boy, and slowly learns to love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fate

**Author's Note:**

> This is it :) wonderful art by soldiercas, who's unfortunately not able to post it herself. Please leave her all the love, she deserves it !!!!
> 
> A HUGE thank you to my two wonderful betas Eri and Margot, you guys are angels. *hugs*

Dean doesn't believe in Fate, or Destiny. It makes him mad, actually, because he believes in himself, he believes a man makes choices, and at the end of the day, he's the only one responsible for his mistakes.

Dad used to blame God for taking Mary away from them. He stopped going to church, he started to drink too much, and to use his fists against a boy who was five and terrified.

Dean doesn't like to think about his dad, he doesn't like the sudden pain, and anger, and fear in his gut.

But these things are not really important. No, right at this moment, he doesn't care.

The boy next to Sam smiles at him, it's shy and hesitant, and he says something to Sam, but Dean completely ignores his brother and his sudden welcome.

The boy stands up, and smiles again, and Dean feels it under his ribcage.

 

No matter what happens, this is Fate.

 

This is not his usual scene, he doesn't hang out with Sam's friends very often. They're younger, that's true, but that's not it. Sam has this aura, this gentle personality, and he drags behind him nice people, sweet, and funny, and so bright it's crazy.

Dean is used to Victor, and their silent nights drinking beer and avoiding anything personal. He's used to the others, Gordon, for example, and their nights full of venom behind smiles, and hands on his shoulders knocking him around and making him uneasy. 

His usual scene is unsafe, and on edge, and it ends with too much whiskey and a warm body in the parking lot.

Sam's place is warm and full of smiles. Dean is always welcome, people remember him, actually, they know his name, and they seem genuinely happy to see him. He goes to Sam first, of course, and then to Kevin because the guy is like another little brother. He waves to Charlie, who doesn't see it, too busy flirting with a pretty brunette.

It feels good to be there, and even if he knows he doesn't belong, he's happy to be here.

He gets rid of his jacket and brings the beers to the kitchen.

He feels the blue eyes following him, and he's pretty sure the guy can feel him staring, when he talks to Sam and laughs so hard he starts to cough a little.

 

This is Castiel, Sam says, and Dean tries not to stare too much, but he can't because up close his eyes are so blue it brings water under his tongue. 

Castiel smiles and shakes his hand, and Dean wants to bury himself in this deep voice and never let go.

Castiel wears blue jeans, and a dark shirt, and he smells like laundry detergent, and something woody. He blushes when Sam talks about his videos, and about how famous he is in their little community. 

It's not so weird anymore, being surrounded by these people, artsy people. It had started small, if Dean is being honest he doesn't really remember. It was just something the therapist had stamped « good for Sam » and so Dean had asked Bobby for more shifts, and had started to spend more time home and less at the bar, and he had gotten his perfect little brother a good camera, a decent laptop, and had stopped worrying about empty eyes and drugs.

Sam had made a video about it.  
Dean had cried. 

So now, it's mostly funny. Living with a youtuber (because that's what they were calling themselves), means having to dodge the camera, having to help with lights and sounds sometimes, but he doesn't mind.

His little brother is happy, he's even making money out of it, and that's all he could hope for, really.

 

Sam leaves them to spend a little time with his others guests, and Castiel blushes again. He isn't one to talk too much, and Dean appreciates it. It's a little forced at first, but they manage. Dean tells him about the autoshop, and his love for ancient cars. They laugh and it's easy, it's sweet, and Dean feels it again, under his chest, something wants to burst open. It's not like it was with Aaron, it's nothing like the want, and the need. He doesn't know what it is, what it could be. Castiel tells him a little about his work, and he's insecure, and shy, and Dean wants to hear more.

He wonders if Sam would be mad at him, for asking this beautiful boy with pink lips out. 

 

They get up for food, and Dean goes to Charlie. He laughs, and he listens to her latest adventure, something about Mexico, and a stunning girl with dark eyes. They eat from the same plate, and he sees the way Castiel sometimes looks at them. He ignores him, because that's all he can do, really.

Sam joins them, and they laugh a little more, and the night is a blurr, and his heart is beating, it's almost too much, he can't breathe, and he drinks to forget the blue eyes and the way other men are around him, the way they're laughing too, and the hands holding Cas, grabbing him.

The sky is turning a little pink, and the last of the guests are outside, smoking and taking pictures, drinking mugs of strong coffee and getting ready for the road ahead. Dean goes back inside, he's too tired, and too cold. And Castiel is inside.

Dean finds him cleaning up around him, picking up glasses Sam insist on having, because he's a good boy and doesn't believe in cups and everything bad for the planet. Castiel doesn't sing, really, but the melody he whispers is soft, and soothing, and Dean can't believe he waited all night, and he can't believe he's ready to wait for a hundred more, because this, right here, is perfect.

« You need help, there ? » He doesn't wait for the answer, and starts with the bowl of left-overs, bringing everything to the kitchen. « You had a good time, Cas ? » 

Castiel smiles, and he's a little surprised by the nickname, Dean can tell. « It was a great party. It's always nice to come over and spend time with everyone. » He looks a little tired, and he put on a dark blue beanie Dean wants to claim as his, and his cheeks are darker, and his voice a little rough. « You had fun, Dean ? This is not your usual crowd, I'm sure ? »

« Yeah, but it's fine. It's fun. » Dean searches for the blue eyes, and he notices the blush, and Castiel's smile. « You guys can be intimidating, but it's good, keeps me on my toes. » Cas rolls his eyes, and he steps closer for a second, grabbing the garbage bag, and Dean suddenly knows, Cas smells like smoke, like cedar wood and vetiver, and it's another punch to his chest, because he knows he'll always remember this moment, the heat close to his body, and the smell, and Castiel's voice, full of sarcasm.

« You are pretty intimidating too, Dean. »

« You are pretty. »

The pink lips are close to his, and Cas looks like he wants to laugh. His hands comes to Dean's cheek, and he doesn't pull him close to kiss him. Cas doesn't push him to the wall, he doesn't do what Dean expects him to. He pats his cheek gently before letting go. Dean misses it, he misses everything, his eyes are closed, he licks his lips and he can ear Cas moving away.

« You're drunk, Dean. »

 

When he opens his eyes, Castiel is gone.

He goes to bed, and he dreams about the blue eyes and the hands on his face.

 

Dean usually wakes up to the sound of the forest.  
It's weird, if he thinks about it.

His old place was on top of a little bakery, and he used to wake up first at two a.m, when they would start to work. Then five, when the first deliveries where getting ready, and it was just impossible for him not to hear the people outside talking, and shouting, getting ready for the day. Usually at seven, he was downstairs for coffee and croissants, dead tired, but happy with his life.

It seemed like a lifetime ago, now. From his bed, he can see the room, actually see it. Sam had painted it for him, getting things ready for his big brother without a comment. Dean doesn't like to remember it. He doesn't like to remember he had to ask, and get help. 

But Sam had been here, with his crooked smile, showing him the room, and telling him it was their home.

Dean isn't sure he ever felt that good about a home, before. Sure, people had tried to make him feel included. Lisa always used to tell him, this is your house too, we want you here Dean. Aaron had tried, too. They weren't to blame. They couldn't understand what it was not to belong, not to have this place, this one place where you could always go, no matter how hard you fucked up.

Dean closes his eyes, and goes back to sleep. He can hear birds outside, and something in the grass. Maybe a rabbit, maybe something bigger. He's safe. He's back to being a little boy, in this blue room, just like his room in the old house before the fire. He's safe.

 

It's just past eleven when he finally decides to join Sam, and he accepts the cup of coffee with a grunt and a smile, because his little brother is making him breakfast, and this is love, in a nutshell.

« Cas told me you two were responsible for the clean up. I owe you guys. »

« Yeah, yeah, I'm awesome. » The coffee is just like it should be, warm and strong, and there's bacon waiting for him on a plate. « You had fun, nerd ? »

« Yeah, it was nice having everyone around, you know ? » Sam comes back with the potatoes, and the eggs, and he looks happy. Really happy. « I'm glad you met Cas, finally. »

« He's a great guy. »

Sammy doesn't linger, because it's not his style. He smiles and eat his breakfast, checking things on his phone, and asking Dean about his day. It's good, it's domestic. Dean stretches and goes for another cup of coffee. He has a free weekend ahead of him, and he feels good.

He borrows Sam's laptop, and he goes through his usuals. His bank account, and the few bills he needs to take care of. He ignores it for a while, and then he caves in and uses Sam's account to watch Castiel's videos.

He tells himself it's because he's curious. Cas had been vague, not telling him much. He has to make a double take at the numbers, because that sure is a lot of subscribers, and Castiel is basically a small star, but it doesn't stop him. He clicks on the first one.

He's thankful for his little brother, for the mugs of coffee appearing next to him. Sam does't say a word, he doesn't need to. Dean knows. 

« You have a crush » Sammy says, handing him a sandwich when he finally stops, because he's not sure he'll be able to if he goes on. Castiel is funny, he is, but he's clever and witty. Most of his videos are peaceful, and calm. Shots of nature, and animals. He talks about books, and movies, with his deep voice and his nice smile. « Cas is very popular. » Sammy goes on, and he doesn't smirk too much. « He's really talented, and we knows he'll probably end up making his own movies, or writing a book, anything. He's gifted. »

Dean smiles and doesn't answer. He doesn't need to.

He takes his shower, and goes to the forest. He likes it in here, it's dark, and cold. He smiles to himself as he goes deeper. He's safe.

When he comes back, chilled to the bones but calm and happy, there's a car he doesn't know on their driveway, and someone is laughing with Sam in his office. 

The beanie is left next to a heavy leather jacket, and a scarf smelling like cedar wood and vetiver.


	2. First smile

Sam is in love. 

Dean knows, he knows, because he raised the kid, and he would recognize this soft smile anywhere.

It's hard not to worry. Not to remember Ruby, and the chaos. But this is a different Sam, he knows. He trusts him, he does, even if it's hard, even if the past is filled with shards of glass and heavy words, Sam looks happy, and Dean wants nothing more for him.

So he doesn't say a word. Sammy goes out more, and he stays somewhere. He comes back with food, and cakes, and Dean tries really hard not to make fun of this baby moose who looks like a teenager. 

He spends more time alone, reading, or dicking around in the garage. He misses Sam, of course he does, but the Sam who comes back on Sunday night, happy and glowing, telling him about his weekend is worth the moments when he finds himself wondering what he used to do when he was living alone .

The answer isn't one he wishes to explore.

He doesn't remember the last time he had been in love. Truly in love. He remembers Cassie, and her soft arms. He remembers falling for her, falling for her smile and her fire. He isn't sure it had been love. He isn't sure love was allowed, between his father, and work, between Sam, and the hospital. He remembers her, like he remembers Lisa, and even Aaron. 

And if there's one thing he truly regrets, it's not treating them how they deserved.

Maybe he doesn't know how.

It used to be a thing, something he would stumble upon in therapy, something he had to think about, to learn. John wasn't the loving type, and Mary's sweet hugs were faded memories. Dean isn't sure he knows what to do, how to act, how to ask. He wants to. He wants.

He's still a little boy inside, terrified and holding back tears after his first time in the Impala. He doesn't like to remember. He's still wary and insecure. He doesn't know how to kiss anymore, he doesn't know how to let himself go. He used to think of himself as damaged goods. No he knows he's just not ready.

Sammy comes back with a bag full of food, and he looks content and warm, and Dean draws a line at picturing just why, so he focuses on the food, and helping him with his lights and cameras.

« I met someone. » He looks like a little kid, too afraid to move. Dean doesn't get it, why it's suddenly so difficult for them to talk, so he doesn't say a word. « I made a video about it, actually. And it's about you, too, at least a little, so... »

« Sam. » Sam's eyes are red, and he looks like he's about to pass out. « Sit down. And breathe. »

He makes them cheese on toast, because it's easy, and it goes well with the tea his little brother insists on having. 

« So you're ready to talk, now ? » Sam nods, and his eyes are glued to his toast, in front of him. The butter is melting, dripping on his plate. 

« I met someone. »

« So you've said. »

The bread is warm, crunchy. Dean doesn't get these nonsense about fat-free. This, this is earthy and good. This is food for the soul.

« He's Castiel's brother. His name is Gabriel. » Dean stays silent, because he can tell, there's more. « I want you to meet him. He wants to see you. »

« Then you should bring him here. We could all hang around, and watch movies. »

« Dean... » This voice, Dean doesn't like. This voice, full of tears, he can't deal with. He grab his little brother and pulls him close, ignoring how uncomfortable it is for both of them. Sam buries his face in his shoulder, and Dean feels his baby brother shaking. 

« You really think it would matter to me ? Really, Sam ? After everything ? »

« I made a video about it. About how brave you were when Dad found out and told everyone. About you and Aaron. I mean. » Sam's breath is shaky, still, but he's not exactly crying, and that's enough for now. Dean lets him go back to his tea, his toast too cold to be good. « I didn't use names, but people who know us... »

«I don't care, Sammy. » Dean thinks about his colleagues, back then at the station, and how difficult it had been, at first. He thinks about Gordon, and his jokes. He thinks about Kevin, and Charlie, and the people who really matters. « It's going to be great. Post it. »

 

Sammy posts his video, and he goes back to his boyfriend. Dean understands, he does. When he's sure he's alone, when he knows no one will know, he watches it.

And he cries.

 

Gabriel is not what he pictured for Sam. And it has nothing to do with the fact he is very obviously male.

Gabriel, Gabe, is smaller than Dean, and he's so clever Dean wonder if he's not in fact completely mad. He welcomes them in the flat he used to share with his girlfriend, Kali, and Dean suddenly gets how it hasn't been evident, or easy, for either of them. And he gets it, now. He gets the wariness in Sam's eyes, and the way Gabriel looks at him with eyes filled with glee, but fear, too. 

Dean smiles, and laughs a lot. He praises Gabriel's gifts, all the cakes and the sweets sent his way, and he pretends he's not waiting for the door to open.

For Cas.

 

Lunch between the four of them is strange, and the afternoon that follows almost eerie. Dean is afraid everything around him will disappear, it seems so fragile. Sam's fingers around Gabriel's, and their smiles. Castiel's voice, an anchor so he doesn't drown, and the food, delicious. 

Gabriel is funny, and he loves Sam, Dean knows. 

« Are you okay ? » Castiel follows him to the balcony, and Dean is glad, because they're alone, this glass door keeps the rest of the world at bay. 

« I am. » Dean smiles, and the knot in his chest isn't as punishing. « It's a lot to take in. They're so in love. »

« It is humbling. » Dean keeps his eyes on the city in front of them. It is, and he can't help but wonder if he'll be worthy of it, one day. « Sam was really afraid of your reaction. » The tension is back on Dean's shoulders, and Cas' hand is like cold water on a burn, it's everything he needs, it seems. « He loves you. You're his hero. It's nothing against you, you know it. »

« You're way too good at this, Cas. » The blue eyes are deep, so deep, and Dean wonders if the sky is that blue somewhere, where there's only sun, and sea.

They watch the city in front of them. Cas' hand stays on his shoulder. Dean pretends he doesn't lean into him.

 

Their brothers are nowhere to be found, when they finally come back. Cas laughs softly, and offers Dean one last cup of coffee before they decide to go. He moves in the kitchen with grace, and Dean can't help but blurt :

« I watched your videos, you know. »

« You did ? » Castiel is fishing something in the fridge, cream probably, and it's easier to be brave when he can't see his face.

« You're amazing. Really. »

Castiel smiles, and he nods a little. It could mean a lot, it could, but Dean feels like they know each other enough already, and it's crazy, because they don't. But Cas makes things easy, it's so easy to accept the coffee, and accept the cream and sugar because he doesn't have to pretend to be someone else, here.

« I watched everything, even the parts about fashion. These I didn't really get. » Cas' laugh is amazing, he decides. « But I really liked how you explained books. And the way you filmed everything, like the beach, or when you go to the countryside. It's beautiful, man. » He drinks a little, and he looses his courage. « And... well, sorry, this must be boring. »

« No. Tell me. » It's like a caress, those words, so he has to go on.

« I love it when you sing. You have a great voice, Cas. You should sing more. »

« Maybe I will. » Castiel is pink, and he hides in his cup. It's a little dark, not enough to turn on any light, but the sun is dying, and the light coming from the balcony is not enough anymore. « I can't play any instrument, unfortunately, so I don't usually. Unless someone plays with me. »

« I can play. » Everything is perfect, suddenly, and Dean doesn't feel like he's falling. He's right where he's supposed to be. « I can play. For you. If you want. »

« It would be very kind of you. »

 

Castiel lives in a little house not so far from the Winchester's, and Dean feels something, like sadness, and longing and want when he sees him turn into the little path. They wave at each other, and Dean knows, he knows it, really.

It is Fate.


	3. I wanna hold your hand

It becomes a routine. Dean wakes up to Sam and Gabe having breakfast in the kitchen, and he pretends to moan about the noise. They go bother Cas, mostly because Cas is an angel, and he's always smiling and offering them food and more coffee, letting them colonize his small cottage. They all go to the movies together, and they test new restaurants Dean never heard of. He learns not to touch his food before the pictures are taken, and he rolls is eyes at the bulky cameras on the table. 

Castiel sits next to him, always, and he likes to pretend it's normal for them to be this close, for him to know this boy's perfume, to know the exact color of his skin, and the warmth eradiating from his body. 

Cas is a man, obviously he is, but he's a boy with too big eyes too, and next to him Dean feels like the boy he never got to be, he feels silly, and young, and it feels good, it feels great.

They eat ice cream together, and Gabriel takes them to the bakery one day, where they all try to bake, and fail at Gabe's great joy. 

So it's no surprise, one day, to see them in the autoshop. Victor smiles, and lets them be as noisy as they want, safe in his office. Dean still has to work, he can't exactly stop everything to be with them, so he's not surprised to hear them leave after his lunch break. 

Except Cas doesn't. He holds his camera in his hands, and he asks with a little voice if it would be okay for him to...

Dean says yes. Of course he does. He hates being on camera, and he had been adamant not to appear in anything. But this is different, this is Cas. So he mumbles something about his face, at least, and Cas promises he'll edit everything, and there it goes.

It's weird, it's intimate, in a way. He forgets he's there, sometimes, and then he hears the little frustrated sighs, or he catches a glimpse of Cas moving around. 

It's not sex, no, it's even more personal, it seems, and Dean feels naked, and safe. 

 

When Cas sends him the final take, edited, Dean has to stop and breathe for a while, because while he knows he's not exactly ugly, he didn't know his work, his hands could be beautiful. He didn't know it could be art, too. 

Cas tells him he's not going to post it, if it makes him too uncomfortable, and Dean stares at his phone a long time.

 

They're walking slowly, leaving the lovebirds on the shore, when Dean hears about London for the first time.

« I'm invited to these events, it's fashion, mostly. They seem to believe I would fit in. » Castiel is cold, and Dean takes his own scarf and wraps it around his neck. It makes them both giggle a little. « Some brands, huge brands, are paying me to go to their shows, and to film there. It's going to be amazing. »

« It sounds amazing, yes. » He tries not to feel sad, and lost. Castiel isn't leaving forever, he tells his heart, he's not leaving us, be still. « You're going alone ? »

« I know people, I won't be alone, no. I insisted on a hotel room, because I need my privacy, but there's a whole crowd waiting for me over there. »

Dean wants to reach, and to entwine their fingers together. He wants to hug Castiel, to keep him close. Castiel knows, he's sure, and his eyes are full of the same want, the same longing.

« Hey !! » Gabriel is yelling from afar, and they both laugh at how cliché it is. « We're going for food, and you guys are coming ! »

 

They go to a Vietnamese barbecue, and Dean smiles everytime Cas puts little pieces of marinated pork in his bowl, feeding him. Their hands almost touch, a couple of time. He ignores Gabriel's eyes, and he ignores Sam's bitchface. 

He's safe, but he isn't ready.

 

He remembers Aaron, and all the anger inside both of them, always ready to boil over. He remembers the yelling, mostly, because they were very good at that. He remembers Aaron hitting him, and Dean never hitting back, because he knew he was bigger, and trained to hurt, and maybe he deserved it a little.

He remembers the jokes at the station, and how tired he had been, all the time. He remembers Lisa's tears, and how she had apologized for lying to him, taking Ben away from him, to his real father, somewhere.

He remembers sinking, and how hard it had been, to keep himself alive and well, to force himself out of bed, and to follow Sam to a therapist's office, twice a week.

 

He tells Castiel, little by little. They talk when they're alone in the Impala, or when Dean crashes on Cas' couch for the night. They talk in the dark, in small spaces they fill with their words. Dean talks, and he trusts Cas, he does.

No matter what, he thinks, one day, washing soap from his face. Even if they never end up in a bed, even if he never learns Cas' skin against his in the dark, it's love.

He's safe.

 

Cas starts to pack, and to get things ready. He spends more time at home, skyping people with posh accents, people Dean catches glimpses of. He feels like a stalker, but he goes, and spies on them all. They seem nice, and friendly enough. He isn't sure he can picture Castiel, his Castiel, partying with them, running around London and laughing, but he tries.

He watches them all, and he wonders what Castiel sees in them. He hears it, sometimes. He hears the way some of them flirt, one in particular, Balthazar. This one, Dean doesn't like.

Still, there's nothing he can do, except push himself into Cas' house even more, claiming the couch, and watching movies, getting close, closer, and trying to tell him without words to remember him.

« You should install Skype. » Castiel tells him one morning. He's sitting on the couch too, and they're both under the blankets. « I want to be able to talk to you when I'm away. »

Dean sees him, then. Castiel is scared, too. He hears it, and it kind of break his heart, because he isn't sure how Castiel cannot see how gone he is on him.

« You'll finally have time to party, without me to hold you guys down. » he says when Dean is helping him pick the bigger suitcase they can find.

« You'll have more time to see your friends. We monopolize you too much. » when they're getting ready for movie night.

« Aren't you bored, Dean ? » when he's just lying there, listening to Cas on his computer, listening to the house, and the rain outside. « You're used to so much more. »

Dean smiles and ruffles the black hair. He can't answer, he doesn't think he has the words, yet.

Cas is leaving in a few weeks, and he sleeps over every night. In the morning, they drink coffee together, and his hand itches to touch, he can almost feel it. 

He's safe.

 

They want to organize something, a small party, someting with their friends, but Castiel is strongly opposed to the idea. He doesn't want the fuss, and he doesn't want to stress about it. It's the first fight Dean witnesses between the brothers. Castiel yells, and it's terrifying, really, and he leaves slamming the door. 

He hesitates, and turns away a few times, before gathering his courage and knocking. He never knocks, Castiel gave him a key, after all, but he does, and when Castiel answers, his eyes are red, and he looks like a scared little boy. Dean hugs him, engulfing him into his arms. 

He doesn't get Cas, he doesn't understand his fears, but if what he needs is silence and warmth, he can give these to him. He keeps him close, and they make plans for a very small party, just the two of them, just like his birthday Sam had to miss because of a bad cold, shared by Gabriel of course.

They make plans, and Dean holds him close, forgetting his fears. Castiel smiles, and asks for cake, and Dean's bugers, and he can't say no, he doesn't want to say no to this amazing boy in his arms, and so it goes. 

Gabriel apologizes, and Castiel does too. They don't talk about it anymore, and they go on with their lives. Dean works a lot, and comes home exhausted. He showers, and get things ready, and then takes the Impala to Cas.

Sam stays with Gabe most of the time, so no one knows. Or maybe they do.

 

The night, that last night, Dean feels like a war bride. He feels like crying, and he wants to say stupid things, like don't leave, stay, stay with me.

He's scared. He's scared of losing him, he's scared of what London is offering, what Castiel maybe wants. He's scared of tall blond men, and he's scared of Castiel breathing someone else's perfume.

But he smiles, because that's what he does best. He leaves work early, and he thanks Victor again for his day off. He stops at the store, and gets everything, the beef, and the good bread Castiel loves. He picks stuff he wouldn't usually, organic cheddar cheese and french mustard, baby spinach and baby tomatoes, and he goes back to this place he starts to see a little like home.

Castiel smiles, and he's exhausted by the packing and the stress. Dean puts him to potato duty, and they talk, listening to that music Castiel seems to love. They don't talk much, these days. They don't really need to.

« Is it okay if I film a little ? » Castiel asks. « I want to shoot your hands, and the food, if it's okay. »

It's okay, it's always going to be. Dean nods, and he pretends he doesn't see Cas shooting his face, too. 

They eat close to the fire, sitting on pillows and covers, and Castiel drinks a little more than usual.

« Are you going to be okay, drinking tonight ? Isn't it something you should avoid ? » 

« I should, I guess. But I'll sleep it off in the plane, and I'm pretty sure everyone will be wasted already when I'll arrive. A hangover will be a good excuse to stay in bed and kill the jet lag. »

« Oh yeah. It's going to be a lot of partying for you. » Cas rolls his eyes and Dean giggles at that. « Not your scene ? You're not into English men ? » He doesn't know why he said it, but it's too late, and Castiel is almost serious.

« What makes you think I could be ? »

« Balthazar sure seems interested. » Castiel shrugs, and drinks a little more. These beers are stronger than what they usually get, but it's good, it's perfect with the beef and the cheese, and Castiel is a little pink, between the alcohol and the fire.

« Yes, Balthazar. To be fair, he's interested in anyone willing, so it's not exactly a compliment. » 

« And it doesn't make you happy. » Dean is frowning, he can't help it. « Is he bothering you ? »

« No, not really. » When Castiel's eyes are back on Dean, he's looking at him with something so close to affection, gentleness and love, Dean wishes this night could go on forever. « He doesn't understand I'm not into the parties, and the boys. I don't care about how many guys I can score, and how many can make it to my bed. I don't care about all that, but I'm not sure he can accept it. »

« Then he's not a real friend. »

« We'll see. » Their fingers are close, really close. « I am happy now. With you. With Sam, and Gabe. I have my work, and my house. You guys understand I need calm, and to be alone. You don't force me into things I don't like. Baz loves me, in his own twisted way, and I'm sure he'll understand when I explain. »

« You're just really tired of explaining, uh ? »

Castiel's fingers brushes his, when he moves his pillow, and this is it, Dean thinks. This is Fate. Cas' hand in his is warm. His skin is soft, and he has a small scar close to his thumb. Dean brushes his finger against it. 

Tomorrow, he'll leave. Tonight, he holds his hand, and he wonders what good he did to this world to be this happy.

 

Cas doesn't kiss him when they part. He hides his face in his neck, and Dean can feel himself crying, but he doesn't let go to brush the tears. He doesn't joke, and he doesn't pretend he isn't sad.

« I'll be home in a few days. » Castiel says, and his mouth is close, so very close. 

« Try not to fall in love with London. » Cas' laugh is wet with tears and sad, and he doesn't look back when he passes the security lines.

Dean cries in his car, and he isn't sure why, but something, something is missing in his chest, and it hurts.

 

Sam doesn't ask, and Dean is glad, because he's not sure he can explain. They eat together, a comforting meal, potatoes, and meat and heavy sauces. They watch bad movies, and Dean tries not to remember Cas' laugh. He gets ready for bed, and he tries to forget the smell of Cas' shampoo, or the way his hair curls a little when it's damp. 

He feel like a war bride, and he stares at his phone in the dark.


	4. Misunderstandings

Life without Castiel, Dean realizes, is dull. It's boring, and it's nothing like the weeks before. He tries to sleep on Cas' couch, to see if it can help, but it doesn't, because everything screams the boy's name, but he isn't here, and Dean misses him.

He checks his messages when he wakes up, and smiles when he sees several. Cas sends him pictures of his food, pictures of things he liked, he found interesting.

« I think I am falling in love with London. » he says. « But I miss you. I do. »

Dean tries not to answer something stupid, like how much he misses Cas. He doesn't want to have this conversation by texts, so far from each other. He misses Cas' hand in his, he misses the smell of his perfume, and he misses his laugh.

He watches all the videos he can find, Sam being generous enough to point them to him. He catches glimpse of Cas, laughing with other people, smiling at their camera. This Castiel isn't exactly his, he's way too stylish, and too charming. He doesn't stutter when he's way into something, and he smiles and hides behind sunglasses.

« Do you miss home, Cas ? » asks Balthazar. « He's been on his phone sending messages home all night. Are we all so boring ? »

Castiel laughs and puts his phone down on the table. He looks like he belongs, like he wants to stay.

But Dean knows better. 

Castiel posts a video. It's short, and sweet. It's a day in his life, going from one show to another, getting ready to shoot, and then eating on the go. It's him on the hotel room with bags full of fancy food from Harrod's, and him wearing one of Dean's hoodie and editing. 

« I love London. » he says, and Dean recognizes him better, there. « I used to come here with my family. I miss London, but it's time to go home, I think. I love everything, but I am a country boy. I miss my garden, and the rain. I miss my friends. »

Dean stares at his phone. He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know what he's supposed to say.  
Castiel asks him if the pictures are bothering him, and after a while he stops sending them. He feels like a monster, because he can picture Cas, alone in his hotel room, sending him messages, reaching out for him, and he can't answer, he's petrified. 

He finds in himself to send something. Something impersonal, about work, and how sorry he is he can't keep up. It feels disgusting, and he regrets it. He really does.

Castiel doesn't answer. He doesn't need to, for Dean to know he's probably hurt, and confused.

He doesn't know what he's doing.

 

Sam and Gabe try to take him out, with Charlie, Kevin and everyone, a big night out, but he feels like the biggest third-wheel in the world, suddenly. He misses Cas even more, and he doesn't want to pretend he's having fun. They're all at a bar, listening to a guy who's actually pretty good, but he just wants to drink and mope, and he doesn't see why he isn't allowed to.

« Dean ? »

Aaron looks good. It's a little surreal, to see him here, so suddenly. « Aaron. Hey. » It's weird, he never thought about meeting Aaron before. They hug, and it's a little odd, their bodies having forgotten how to do it, how to be close.

« You look good. » And Dean has to laugh because sure, compared to the last time they saw each other, he must look better. Aaron does. He looks a little heavier, but it looks good on him. He looks happy, and it makes Dean smile. 

« Thank you man, you too. What are you doing here anyway ? »

« My.. my boyfriend. » A tall man is looking at them, from the other side of the bar. Dean nods at him, politely. «I wanted to come and say hello, but I wasn't sure you... »

« I'm glad you did. I am. » And it's true. It's no one fault, really if they tried to hard to force something that just wasn't there. It's not their fault they were young, stupid, and probably a little too damaged for each other. « You're okay, now ? You're happy ? »

« I am. » Aaron plays with a ring on his finger Dean didn't notice at first. « He's amazing to me, really. He helped me a lot, and I... I love him. »

« That's great man. » Dean smiles, and it feels good, to be happy for someone. Aaron is surprised, at first, but then he smiles back. « You deserve it, you do. And I'm sorry I couldn't... »

« Dean, I'm sorry too. I am. » Dean drinks, because he isn't sure he's ready to hear it. « You and I, we didn't deserve anything that happened, but I'm glad I met you. I am. » It makes them laugh, because it's crazy, really. Dean remembers the fights, and the blood, and the yelling. But it's faded, now. He's ready to move on, and he's glad Aaron is too. « You're here with someone... ? »

« No. No, he isn't here tonight. He... He's in London. »

« Good. Good. » It's a little awkward, and Dean can't have it, really. He pats Aaron's back. « You should go back to your husband, dude. It's been good seeing you. » He doesn't say something stupid, something like « we should do it again », or « you should meet, Cas », or even « we can just be friends. » because he can't. He remembers Aaron's fists. He remembers, even if it's faded, it happened. And even if he forgave, because that's what he does. He forgives Dad, and Lisa, and Aaron. But he cant pretend anymore. He won't.

Aaron say he's sorry, but he doesn't apologize for the way he made Dean feel like an animal, like something, and not someone. Aaron doesn't want to accept that guilt, and Dean can't make him.

He finishes his drink, and he searches the crowd for Charlie's face when Sam is on him. He's a little drunk, and he grabs Dean by the shoulders, his eyes sad and unfocused.

« Are you okay ? Are you all right, he didn't do anything, right ? »

« I'm fine, Sam. I am. I'm heading home actually. »

« Alone ? » And that, that hurts. Because yes, he knows how it used to be. He remembers it too well, going back to Aaron, everytime. He remembers, but he's better, now, and he needs Sam to believe it.

« Yes, Sam, alone. » He can see Gabriel looking at them, and he's pretty sure Sam told him, Sam told him everything, and it hurts, too. « I'm taking a cab, you guys have fun tonight. »

Home is safe, and warm. He showers for a long time, and he tries to picture Castiel's eyes, and his smile. He tries to remember their last time, and his warmth against his. He wants to take his phone, and to explain. He wants to write everything down, how scared he was, but how he's okay now. How ready he is for this, and them. How it's okay to be a little boy with Cas, another little boy, and just be happy.

He just sends an « I'm sorry. » before falling asleep. Tomorrow, Cas will be here. Tomorrow smells like laundry soap and lavender, and Dean sleeps better than he did in weeks.

 

When he wakes up, he can see things aren't right anymore, but it feels like everything tipped slowly, painfully slowly, to this point.

Sam, Gabe and Cas had been texting, because Cas isn't his, of course, and he needed friends, and his family. He says yes to the party they're planning for him, and Dean erases thoughts of fireplace, and food, because he messed up.

He waits, because he feels like part of his world is coming back, and he is, in a way. He doesn't dare asking Cas for his flight informations, so he asks Sam, and goes to Castiel porch. It's cold, but not too cold, and when the cab leaves them alone, Dean holds him close and he doesn't care, he doesn't care anymore. He cries.

Cas' eyes are shocked, and full of tears, too, and it takes them a while to get everything inside, and to finally breathe.

« I'm sorry. » he says. « I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I couldn't, I couldn't. » 

« It's all right, Dean. It's ok, you don't need to apologize, we can be friends, we'll be friends. »It takes him a few heartbeat to remember how to breathe. He looks at the blue eyes, and Castiel looks heartbroken, but he smiles. « It's fine. Gabriel told me about Aaron. It's... it's okay, I understand. I do. »

« You don't understand anything. » His fingers trace Castiel's face, and they wipe away the tears. « I missed you. I missed you so much. I couldn't tell you, how bad I needed you, I need you Cas. With me, here, always. I need you. »

« But... » Castiel hiccups, and it makes them laugh. « I missed you so much, asshole. » And Dean laughs even harder, he puts his face in Cas' neck, and he breathes him. He smells different, another perfume, and the smell of planes, and a little sweat. « I thought it was just a dream, and it was over. I thought... I thought... »

« Never, Cas. Never. »

Castiel needs to shower, and he needs to take care of all the little things he left. The first thing he does, is checking his computer, and Dean smiles, letting him discover the fridge full of food, and the tea, warm and ready. Castiel takes a shower, and Dean sits on the couch, just listening.

It's safe, he's safe.

Castiel smells right again, and he laughs when Dean very seriously asks him if he it would be very impolite for them to ditch the party.

« I can't ditch a party in my honor, Dean. » He's a little thinner, maybe, and Dean wants to reach out, to hold him close and to check if he's okay, if he's fine.

They take the Impala, and Dean doesn't have to ask. He knows he's sleeping on Castiel couch.

In the morning, after actually ditching the party, because of the jet lag, Dean welcomes him with smoked salmon and bread, and he blushes as hard as Cas when they finally sit together. It isn't rushed, it's mellow and warm.

« I have a few days to myself. » he says between bites. « If you're free... »

« I am always free, Dean, you know it. »

Castiel tells him about the ridiculous amount of tea boxes he managed to put in his giant suitcase, and about the cakes in London. He tells him about the guinea pigs he's going to get, because Balthazar had four he rescued from an abusive owner, and they're the cutest things on earth. Castiel talks, and Dean holds his hand.


	5. First Kiss

Castiel starts to edit right away, he has to deliver content to his clients pretty quickly, and he isn't one to be late. Dean hangs around, and takes care of everything. He gets food ready, and he makes sure Castiel drinks regularly. He forces him out of his office for a walk into the forest with him, and he even builds the giant playpen Castiel bought for his guinea pigs.

« Are you even living in our house ? » Sam asks when he comes over to shoot with Cas. He lifts heavy lights as if it's nothing, and Dean notices he gained weight, and he finally got rid of the sideburns. 

Dean flips him the bird, and they laugh while getting everything ready. The video is easy, Castiel says, it's just going to be Sam talking about his favorite books, and Castiel leading it, like an interview. Dean nods, and he smiles because it's still too weird for him, but he gets it, he does. He's in front of his computer watching, so of course he understands.

The two nerds talk, and laugh, and they talk even more. How is this going to be under fifteen minutes, Dean doesn't know, but he stays away from them, and he finally catches up on his e-mails, and the few shows he's following.

When he's back, because the kitchen is cold, mind you, and he's bored, Sam has is camera in hand, and he's apparently making one of these little videos about his day. 

« So what is love for you, Cas ? He asks, and Castiel's eyes are wide at the question. « How would you describe it ? »

« Love ? Well, isn't that what everyone is supposed to figure out in their life ? » Sam laughs, but it isn't mean, and Dean wonders how the Hell they managed to come to that particular subject. Castiel pushes his heavy glasses up on his nose, and he smiles.

« I guess it's different for everyone. I'm not sure I'm cut for the one-night stand becoming more, or for the chase. I guess... » he blushes, and it's adorable, and Dean knows it, he knows what's in his chest, ready to burst. « I guess I want to have my best friend, next to me. And I want to spend time with him, and I want to do stupid things like going for walks, and having movie nights. I want him to support me in my work as I would for him, and at the end of the day, I just want to be with him, forever. »

« That's love ? » Sam asks, and he isn't laughing anymore.

« To me it is. »

Sam stops the camera and he turns around, watching Dean watching them. 

« You're ok with me putting it in the vlog ? It's not too personal or anything ? » 

« People know I'm gay, Sam. There's nothing too personal here, don't worry. »

Sam leaves in a hurry, looking at them with knowing eyes. He forgets his lights, and he almost jumps into his car.

« You scared him. » Castiel says. « I'm sure he isn't ready to talk about love and commitment in front of his big scary brother. He's too manly for that. » He smiles while putting the chairs back to their places, putting the big lights away. It's too dark, suddenly, but it makes things easier, as always.

« You know that's not why he left. » Dean says. He can hear in own voice, way too soft. « I need to go back to the house, I forgot to put a pjs in my bag, and it's way too cold to... »

« You can borrow some of mine. » Castiel isn't looking at him, but he doesn't need to. Dean knows what's burning in his eyes, because he feels it too. « Use the bathroom, take whatever you need from it. I even have new underwears still in their package, if you need them. »

He could joke. He could tell Cas he's way too prepared for this. He could, except this isn't a joke. It's too serious, too big for him to joke about. He follows Cas to the bathroom, and accepts a fluffy towel, so soft compared to what he uses normally. Castiel shows him everything, soap, shampoos and drawers, and Dean is suddenly small and unsure in this small space. The shower helps him breathe. He lathers his skin with soap smelling like Cas, and he puts on soft pajama pants and socks Cas picked for himself. It's the first time he actually uses the shower, usually going back to his, and he doesn't know why it seemed important before, why it seemed natural to go back almost everyday to his house, to shower and change and come back.

Somewhere between the soap and the fluffy towel, he realizes it's his first real sleepover. He smiles and wiggles his toes, feeling young and silly.

Castiel takes a shower, too, and Dean listens to the news from the kitchen, making them sandwiches and soup. They eat in front of TV for once, not putting a movie or a show. They watch the stupid things, and the reruns. Cas asks about the people he sees, and what they're doing. He's baffled by the Kardashians, and Dean laughs at his « I can't believe Balthazar is following this show. This is disgusting, Dean. »

They wash the dishes together, and Dean asks about the guinea pigs Castiel is picking in the morning. They don't really have names yet, and Castiel finds it incredibly sad. They need to have friends, Dean, they need to be with others, or they get too sad and die. Isn't it awful ? 

Dean doesn't think. Again, he knows it's Fate. He holds Cas' face in his hands, and for the first time, they kiss. It's soft, and almost chaste, and Castiel sighs against his lips. 

« I'm.. I'm sorry. » Dean is beet red, he can feel it. « I should've asked … I.. »

Castiel's eyes are very close, and Dean can feel his breath on his lips. 

« Dean ? »

« Yeah ? »

« I want to kiss you. Would that be all right ? »

« Yes. »

Dean doesn't remember his first kiss. He doesn't, and it makes him sad, really, because he wishes it could've been good, it could've been nice. He doesn't want to remember his first time, but he's pretty sure she was older, and bold, and he wasn't ready, but it was supposed to happen after all. 

He wishes he could've been young, and sweet, and innocent. He wishes he could've been a real teenager, having crushes and coming back home to someone who would take care of him. But he was a single parent, really, and at eleven he was helping uncle Bobby after school to pay for him and Sammy, because a Winchester never begs, his dad had said.

He doesn't remember sweetness, but this, this makes up for it. Castiel's lips taste like the chapstick he uses, and his mouth is warm and plush. Castiel's fingers hold him close, one hand on his neck, one at his chin, making them fit perfectly. He isn't shy, and insecure. This probably isn't his first kiss either, but it feels good, it feels so good to just kiss, and moan in between, searching for Cas' tongue, holding on to his shoulders.

Memories of heavy breath and tears on the back of the Impala are forgotten, and Dean forgets all these strangers he has kissed and touched because they wanted him to, and it was good for once to be wanted and loved, even for a little while.

Everything disappears because Castiel sighs his name, and he kisses him softly, before letting go and cupping his face, tracing his cheekbone with his thumb.

« I love you, Dean. » he says, and it feels amazing, to be loved. 

« I love you too. »


	6. Safe

Dean doesn't like the smell of the station. He doesn't like the way his body betrays him, always, and how he feels oddly at home in here. People recognize him, of course, and they stop tell say hello to him. His father had a lot of friends, good friends, loyal to him even after his decision to leave. Dean knows they're seen as heroes, as stupid as is it. They're not heroes. John and Dean, they were cut from the same cloth. Too weak to endure what life had in mind for them.

John had picked alcohol, Dean had picked therapy, holding on to Sammy.

He smiles, he's polite and nice to these people who've known him for years. Tonight is for Rufus. Tonight is for someone who had been there for John when he needed a friend, and for this, Dean is ready to smile and acts as if he's happy to be there. He remembers Rufus coming home, with food and clean clothes for him and Sammy to wear. He remembers Rufus sending John to bed and cleaning after him, at least one night when fourteen-year-old Dean wouldn't have to clean is father and put him to bed.

Rufus had been the one to send John to rehab, and to one day take the kids and their meager possessions and to send them to uncle Bobby's house. Rufus had been the one yelling at John and the only one who knew about the bruises on Dean's face in the morning.

Rufus holds him close, and Dean wonders when this man started to be his almost dad, replacing John completely in his heart.

« Looking good, boy. » His face is tired, but he looks happy. He's surrounded by friends, most of them too old to still be on duty. « It's hard to see you these days. Still working with Victor ? »

« Still working with him, everything's the same, you know me. » Rufus wants to say more, he wants to asks, Dean can see it, but people are asking for his attention, and Dean invites him for a Sunday lunch. He needs to make more time for Rufus, and he wants him to meet Cas. 

« Dean ! The fairy has arrived ! » Dean keeps his smile on, and turns to watch Gordon walk to him. It's difficult, to stay polite. He knows he could punch the arrogance right of his face, and he's pretty sure most of the officers would turn a blind eye to it. But it's not the time. Tonight is for Rufus. 

So he stays, and chats with his old colleagues. He watches pictures, wedding pictures, baby pictures, and he tries not to leave too early. It's almost eight when he excuses himself, ready to scream at yet one more gay joke, and he goes to Rufus. 

« Dean. I'm sorry we couldn't spend more time together. » The old man is tired, he's sitting on a chair, and Dean can see this was too much for him. 

« Don't you worry. We're waiting for you on Sunday. You remember the house, right ? Sammy is going to cry, it's going to be great. » Rufus laughs, and it's good, it's family.

« Will that boy who makes you so happy be there, too ? » Dean blushes and Rufus cackles even more.

« You kids, thinking you're so clever, but you can't fool me, boy. I have my sources. »

« Sammy has a big mouth. » He grumbles, but it's an act and they both know it. « He'll be there, I hope. I want you to meet him. You'll like him. »

« I'm sure I will. Your brother said the exact same thing. » Rufus sighs. « I'm sorry about Gordon, and the other assholes I couldn't keep away. You know how this is. Suddenly you're too old, and everyone think they're invited to your party. »

« Don't worry, I can deal with a few bigots, when there's good food. » Dean winks, and accepts to be dragged into a bone-crushing hug. « We miss you, Rufus. »

« Well I miss you too, kids. Now go back to your man, and try to be happy, will ya' »

I will, Dean thinks, driving away from a life he hated. I am.

He tries not to dwell on the past, but he can't help. Gordon brought it back, all of it. Dean can feel it on his skin, the hate, and the insults. It's sticky and he feels dirty, being in contact with them. He remembers Gordon's words, and how delighted he had been to tell the whole station Dean Winchester was getting beaten at home, by his man. He remembers the shame, walking these halls knowing people were laughing, because Aaron was smaller, and his fists were vicious. He remembers scenes out of his nightmares, and he lets them go, driving away from the city, away from the noise, and everything he's glad he left behind.

Castiel is spread out on the couch when he opens the door, wearing one of Dean's shirt paired with yet another of his endless collection of pajama bottoms. His hair is still a little damp, and he's wearing his big glasses, the ones he keeps only for when the migraine is coming.

« How was it ? » Castiel asks from his place, eyes fixed on his tablet. 

« Terrible, as predicted, but Rufus wants to meet you. Lunch on Sunday ? »

« Of course. » Castiel kisses him, and Dean moans in his mouth. 

« How do you do this ? » Castiel huffs a little laugh. « How do you manage to take all my worries and to make them go away ? »

« It's my job, Dean. You want me to. »

He takes a quick shower, and when he's back, the coffee table is covered in greasy burgers and fries, from Dean' favorite take-away. 

« I was thinking Die Hard, for tonight, unless you want to spoil me and let me watch Skyfall one more time. »

« And let you drool over yet another blond English man old enough to be your dad ? No thank you. »

Castiel's laugh is warm, and he gets back to the couch, kissing his ear in retaliation. « Daniel Craig isn't old enough to be my dad, Dean, and neither is Balthazar. But I'll tell him, just so you can apologize to him if he ever visits us. »

« Please. Balthazar would die if put here. Can you picture him eating this with us ? »

« I can, actually. » Castiel smiles, and hides his face in Dean's neck. « You're going to regret all of this when you'll get to know him. You're going to get along great. »

« Shush now. Daniel Craig is waiting for you. »

 

Dean breathes all in. Castiel's shampoo, and his burger. The smell of pie, and the body lotion they both started to use earlier this month. 

He breathes out, and everything outside this house disappears.

 

« Cas ? »

« Dean, I can't cheat on you with a fictional character if you keep interrupting. »

« We should move in together. »

Castiel eyes are a little too big maybe, and he stutters before answering.

« You.. You want to ? I mean, here ? With me ? »

« Yes... ? I mean, of course. You don't... ? »

Castiel looks at their hands, and he smiles but it isn't his usual smile. He's unsure, and some part of Dean wonders when he stopped being so unsure himself, when he stopped thinking the worst. Because Cas not jumping and screaming yes doesn't mean rejection, and even if it does, Castiel has the right not to feel like he does right now.

« I mean. We still haven't... »

« Is it a problem for you ? »

« It's not for you ? »

Dean has to laugh, and he pauses the movie. « Cas, I feel like I'm in these Korean movies you love. What does it mean ? » 

« It means I wasn't sure you ever wanted to. And I guess I thought sex was the next big step in this relationship. » Castiel holds his face and kisses him. « But yes, yes, move in with me. The guinea pigs love you, and... »

« Cas. » They kiss, and it's not so soft, not so sweet, but it feels right, and Dean is safe, it's safe.

In the morning, he sends a text to Sammy, who only answers with « About time. ». He's getting ready for work, when another one reads. « I'm happy for you guys. »

Castiel is still sleeping when he leaves for the autoshop. He figures telling Victor is a good idea, since the guy pays him, and it gets a surprised laugh out of him when he actually hugs him, and tells him he's happy for them. He invites them over for beer, and Dean tries to pretend he hates the attention.

 

Castiel is in a middle of a big project, so Dean goes back to the house after his shift, and he packs everything he needs to. It's not much, he never was the type to buy much and indulge, but he gets some books, and his DVDs. Sam put some cardboard boxes ready for him, and he even offers the TV, and everything, really to Dean.

« Will Gabriel move in when I leave ? » Dean asks, putting the few items he knows very well his little brother won't eat out of their kitchen.

« We're not sure, yet. » Sammy looks a little tired, and Dean feels a little guilty for not making time for just the two of them. « Kali burned him badly. I'm not sure he's ready, yet. »

« Sure. Must've been hard. » Dean tries to avoid the bear hug coming his way, but he can't and this time, he doesn't try to pretend he isn't happy. « I invited Rufus over, on Sunday. I'll cook, you just relax, okay ? Cas will be there, so maybe you could invite Gabe, too ? »

« I'm sure he'll be there. » Sam wants to say more, Dean can feel it.

« Come on, man. No tears. I'm still close, you can even jog to the cottage if you start missing me suddenly. »

« Who says you won't miss me ? »

« You wish. »

 

Sam hugs him again, and Dean tries not to feel too sad. This house was his home, and it had been good to belong, for once in his life. When he arrives to the cottage, he's got a new text.

« It will always be your home. »

 

Castiel sits in his bed, their bed, and he is typing on his laptop, ordering new shelves, and a few things he never thought about before. Like matching slippers. Matching guinea pigs slippers.

«We'll change the guest room into an office, or something. What do you need ? A playroom ? » Dean frowns and watches him. This is so easy, almost too easy, it seems.

« I don't need a room. » He goes back to his drawer, and tries to figure out how Castiel's can look so good when his is already a mess.

« Of course you do. I have my office, you'll have whatever you want, and we'll share the rest. » Castiel's eyes are tired, and he yawns before answering most of Dean's inner questions. « It looks bad because you don't have all these little baskets and boxes I use for my stuff. I ordered them for you, don't worry. Soon it'll be perfect. »

Dean crawls back onto the bed and to his boyfriend, and he kisses him. Castiel hums against his lips and takes him down, on top of him. He likes the term boyfriend. He likes it, becaue that's how he feels. Castiel and him, they're lost boys, really. He feels young, younger than he's supposed to feel, he supposes. Castiel is his, and he is Cas'. They kiss, and they laugh softly, and it feels dirty, to be kissing a boy, on a bed they could share if they wanted to.

And it's stupid, a serious, annoying part of his mind provides, because he's old enough to buy that house if he wants to, and they did laundry together, and had to think about bills and taxes. They are two boring grown-ups, who love nothing more than not to go out and eat pizza in front of the TV instead.

But this is Cas. And he is his. Dean can grab his hair and twist him to where he wants him, and Castiel will obey, with a little moan and a pass of these wonderful fingers under his shirt.

« Dean. » This stupid voice is even deeper, if possible. « Dean, you need to tell me... »

« It's good Cas. It's good, I want. I want. »

« Me too. »

Dean discovers new little tresures he keeps close to his heart. He explores, and every gasp, every moan is making him dizzy. He kisses the very fine skin close to Cas' hipbone until he is half mad with want. They laugh, and they stop to share kisses and to say stupid things he should be ashamed of, really. It's nothing much. It's safe, using his mouth on Cas, and feeling his wicked tongue on him. It's safe, it's amazing, and he wishes it could go on forever.

He holds Cas close, when they're both too spent to move, and it takes him a while to realize he's crying. He used to make fun of this, people crying after sex, how awkward, how lame, he must've said, he doesn't remember. 

He doesn't hide it, and he lets Castiel coo at him. He's wrapped into his arms, and it's safe, it's so safe. He starts to sob, and he should be ashamed, because he's loud, and it's ridiculous. But he cries, he cries over the kid he was, and the man who let stupid things happen, mostly to himself. He cries over the kid who had no one to protect him.

Cas holds him close, and he cries.

 

In the morning, Cas calls Victor, and Dean can hear him say something about Dean not being strong enough to drive right now. He has a lot of sick days left, and he knows Victor will pester him for not taking care of himself if he tries to stand up and go.

Castiel comes back to their bed, with steamy mugs and a plate of buttered toasts with apple jam. 

Under the covers, it's warm. Castiel caresses his belly softly, and he kisses his forehead until Dean feels like a giant cat, purring under him. He wishes he could feel bad, he wishes he could be mad at himself, just a little, but he doesn't, not really.

He puts his face into Cas' neck, and he breathes.

 

It's easy, it's obvious. Maybe it was Fate, all along.

Living with Castiel is simple, it's sweet and easy. They wake up together, and they go to bed together. They eat, and they fight over movies and who has to take out the garbage in the morning.

Dean remembers fights, previous fights, a lifetime away. But Cas isn't a fighter, not really. He never yells, and when he's upset, he goes to his office to brood and consumes an insane amount of tea. Dean can't find in himself to scream, or to slam doors, because this is their home, this is fragile, and he understands it's his job to protect it, too.

So he tries to make Cas laugh, and they kiss before going to bed, and Dean tells him, over and over again, how much he's loved. He holds Castiel's close, and he whispers to him, in the dark.

We're safe.

And when he closes his eyes, he believes it. It was Fate.


	7. Safe-art

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading :) You can find (and me) on tumblr :
> 
> iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com
> 
>  
> 
> Comments and kudos are warm brownies to the soul :)


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